Doggy daycare

Zapponians have told me loud and clear that onsite doggy daycare would make them even happier than they already are. I’m all for it, especially since even the killjoy of all killjoys, Jeffrey, allows canines to roam the halls of his offices. This fact reminds me of my first encounter with a dog inside Amazon. I was meeting Jeffrey and friends in one of their Seattle locations. I entered the conference room and was greeted by a doberman pinscher. The doberman sat next to Jeffrey, ears pointing like radars; giving me a look that said, “one false move and you’re my next meal.” This was only my second visit to Amazon at the time and I wanted to impress my new master.

Not Jeffrey's dog

I asked Jeffrey, “Does your dog bite?”

Jeffrey shook his head and replied, “No.”

I mustered up every ounce of courage in me and attempted to pet the silky smooth attack dog. I didn’t quite make it to his head before he barked and bit my hand.

“I thought you said your dog did not bite!” I yelled out in pain.

“That is not my dog.” Jeffrey said nonchalantly and then returned to reading a one-pager.

Regardless of my terrifying experience with dogs in the workplace, I’m now considering the possibility of allowing pooches into the headquarters of the happiest company on earth. There’s a catch though. We don’t really have the space for doggy daycare. Sure, one could argue that some of the floors in our downtown Las Vegas building look like they’re inhabited by dogs and every other creature except humans. And, one might also argue that there’s enough room for dogs since “the offer“. Despite these arguments, the truth is we don’t have the space. Unless…

There’s a large space in the Zappos ecosystem that holds no shortage of controversy. It’s where many Zapponians are fed up to three square meals a day. And, once the body builds up tolerance to extreme attacks on the bowel system, many Zapponians feel great after eating those meals. That’s right, the Bistro is a prime candidate for a doggy daycare location. Some have argued that the Bistro is the perfect fit, since it seems like Chef Boyarbistro is already serving a mix of Alpo and Kibbles ‘n Bits. I’m revolutionary, but even I don’t think I can pull off combining doggy daycare and a cafeteria. I’ll admit, it could be pretty awesome mixing dogs with the Bistro. I can imagine a new age of obedience training where our four legged friends are taught basic food service skills. Imagine a poodle working the grill, an afghan hound as a sandwich artist, and a boston terrier running the register. The possibilities are endless. That said, I’ve been told the health department frowns on such radical ideas – something about decihuman health or other such nonsense.

I’m not sure how to break the news to Chef that his cooking lair may soon be turned over to the dogs. He’s not exactly a reasonable man. He once sliced the ear off one of his assistants because she refused to defeather and cook the pigeons Chef lassoed up that morning. Boyarbistro was all psyched that day. He had written on the menu, “Catch of the day.” He told me he had the perfect sauce to compliment the rats with wings. Alas, the sliced ear incident required some damage control, which meant the pigeons were tossed in the nearest bin. No, I’m not sure which of the three bins it was – recycled, compost, scrap. No one knows which of those bins to use. I’m a Lead Link, not a waste engineer.

If you, dear readers, have any ideas on how to best break this news to Chef Boyarbistro, please send them my way. I’m getting desperate. I don’t want to go the way of Van Gogh. Gracias.

Van Gogh


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