Last week Ivanka Trump visited Zappos HQ. I was informed that we sell her line of shoes. Forget shoes. I wanted one thing and one thing only from the Trump heiress – a spot as a contestant on Celebrity Apprentice.
I made sure I would have some one-on-one time with Ivanka when she arrived. I had my people tell her people that I had some exciting new ideas about expanding her shoe business with Zappos. I wanted her to meet me at the trailer park, keep things low key and comfy, but I was talked out of it. I was told I’d have a better chance of meeting the tooth fairy than catching Ivanka stepping foot in a trailer park. I changed the location to the Ogden, my home away from the Airstream.
Ivanka and her posse showed up at my humble abode fashionably late. I invited them in. As she walked in, I realized I was at least half a foot shorter. This made me feel uncomfortable, so I rushed to my (former) bedroom closet and found a pair of special boots I keep for such emergencies. My specially made Timberlands have seven inch risers built in. They’re amazing and amazingly hard to walk in. No matter, I wasn’t going to be trumped by this Trump. I made my way back into the open area where everyone was seated. I tried to feign interest in all the fashion talk for a while, but finally blurted out, “I REALLY WANT TO BE ON CELEBRITY APPRENTICE!” Ivanka gave me a look so cold, I could feel my soul freezing.
After holding me in her icy stare, Ivanka said, “Ummm…I don’t think that’s going to work.”
“Why not?” I fire back before she gets a chance to spew out anymore hurtful words.
“No offense, but the show is called CELEBRITY Apprentice. You’re missing a key part.”
I thought this might come up, so I proceeded to list some of the “celebrities” on previous seasons of the show:
- Tito Ortiz
- Natalie Gulbis
- Carol Leifer
- NeNe Leakes
- Paul Teutul
- Brande Roderick
- Sig Hansen
“OK. OK. I get it. We don’t always have the A-list celebrities on the show. Point taken.” Ivanka says, going from an ice queen look to that of an agitated New Yorker. “Still, you’re not exactly a magnetic personality. This is a TV show, not a shoe site.”
I stand up to show a little power and to display my awe inspiring TImberlands. I then quickly sit down once I realize I can barely balance in the lifts. After an awkward pause, I try to prove that I’m energetic and exactly the type of personality that makes for great Celebrity Apprentice television.
“Have you heard of teal?” I ask with all the authority vested in me by Freddy and the Holacracy powers that be. I get nothing but a blank stare. “Well, let me tell you about teal. It’s the future of organizations! One day, when your dad is talking about lead links, circles, Holacracy, domains, cross links, rep links, facilitators, and a whole bunch of other things that will blow your mind, don’t say I didn’t warn you. I came, I saw, I tealed it up and I’ll do the same thing for Celebrity Apprentice. Give me 7 so-called celebrities and we’ll run circles around the other team. And then, when my teammates are least expecting it, I’ll finish them off one-by-one until I’m the last decihuman standing. I’ll look them in the eyes and make them an offer they can’t refuse. I’m THE GUY who helps people pursue their passions and I’m gonna help those wannabe celebs pursue their passions right out of the boardroom.”
I rarely say so many words at once. I’m completely spent and feeling like I might hyperventilate. After what seems like hours, Ivanka breaks the silence.
“Tony, you’re fired!” Ivanka points her finger at me and then to the door. I hang my head in shame. I know the drill. I gingerly stand up in my very tall Timberlands and head for the exit.
Before I close the door I make one last attempt to change her mind, “But in a teal organization…”
She cuts me off promptly, “Tony, you’re STILL fired.”