All Hands Q2, 2015

The day all Zapponians have been anxiously awaiting is finally here – Zappos All Hands Q2, 2015! It’s the first All Hands since I sent out my teal email. No pressure. I’ve debated whether to spoil the extravaganza or not. I made a compromise. I’m listing some of my best ideas that I’ve been considering for this monumental event. Maybe you’ll see them, maybe you won’t.

  1. The Buncher becomes my ventriloquist dummy, as I finally unveil my hotly anticipated act. He’s not keen on this idea, but I think it would take ventriloquism to the next level. In fact, we could land a show on The Strip if we pull it off. Honestly, the Buncher has had a lot of practice for this role over the past few years.
     
  2. Watch Divergent, followed up by Insurgent. That would be the entire meeting. Attendance required.
     
  3. Cut and paste all the existing Zappos Holacracy circles into a mind map that explains the meaning of life and maybe, just maybe, the Zappos strategy. Please bring your own pair of scissors, Zapponians. Gracias.
     
  4. Burning manReenact Burning Man, one of my all time fave life changing events. The Smith Center folks aren’t so sure about this. Something about setting flame to their precious building. Come on Smith Center, light my fire!
     
  5. Setup a large water tank on the stage and have each (remaining) Zappos decihuman hop in. Those who sink are teal. Those who don’t… See #6.
     
  6. A new zPrize! Back by popular demand. This time around the contest involves teams of the true tealites hunting the anti-tealites. I’m thinking less Hunger Games and more Battle Royale for this one. I’m still checking with our (formerly known as) HR and Legal teams about some of the (small) potential issues. The team to slay round up the most anti-tealites gets their own circle where they can dream up ways they can start hunting best customers.
     
  7. Iron Chef Boyarbistro. The format is much like Iron Chef, except the final judging is done by a Holacracy circle, all sitting on toilets. The circle members taste each contestant’s dish and are given five minutes to see how full the toilets get after each dish is consumed. Will Chef live up to his reputation? Tune in.
     
  8. Bicycle Man SnelRat out the rogue media member. More than likely they’ll be from one or more of Jeffrey’s rags masquerading as journalism. If you find someone from Quartz, do me a favor: if they holler, let them go. Thanks.
     
  9. An epic Q&A session with me, the two tin men and the cowardly lion. I know, I know. We did this the day after the teal email. But you know what? Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo and Look Who’s Talking Too happened. Anything is possible.
     
  10. Dud Caddell gives a four hour talk about whatever nonsense he goes on and on about. I figure this is the surest way to finish Dud off once and for all. Seeing a bunch of Zapponians get up and leave before his talk is done will send a clear message. No way he misses that.
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