The Zappos family after “the offer”

Alright, who leaked the results of “the offer”? Thankfully it hasn’t broken too big, as Quartz hasn’t published the info. We dodged a bullet there. I’m guessing Jeffrey had something to do with this, seeing as how his very own newspaper got a hold of the numbers and published them. Kudos to my right hand man, the Buncher, for sticking to the script:

“The offer was a big incentive to leave Zappos and people took the offer for various reasons.  Some Zapponians took it because they are not in line with the vision of the company, others took it to pursue other passions including starting businesses. Ultimately, however many people took the offer is the right number because they are doing what is best for them and for Zappos.”

“Pursuing other passions” was my line. Nifty, no? Jeffrey didn’t think so. He told me it’s kind of like saying the passengers of the Titanic were pursuing other passions by hopping aboard a lifeboat. Jeffrey says po-tay-toe, I say teal.

I’ve had Zapponians ask me what becomes of the Zappos family after all this. I’m not sure I understand the question. It’s pretty common in any family to lose 14% of the members at any given time. If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, they probably got eaten by a coyote. I think that’s how the saying goes. Anyway, you lose some and you win some. In this case, we do both at the same time. Losing 210 people means we win by increasing our chances of hitting some insane profitability goals I came up with while having drinks with Fred and Arun one evening.

Anyway, to put this all in better perspective, I think of the Zappos family like a number of famous families from TV and film.

crawley_family

The Crawley family is elegant, sophisticated and have members come and go as the seasons change. Sure, some of them “go” by dying, but you can’t stop evolution.

corleones_family

The Corleone family was filled with a closeness that is hard to repeat. I’m thinking of replacing one of the Zappos core values with, “Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.” In fact, Chef Boyarbistro insists I do this ASAP for some reason.

tenenbaums_family

The Royal Tenenbaums. Give me a sweet track suit like Ben Stiller, except I’ll take mine in teal. Suit up Zapponians like his two sons and away we go. The perfect family.

griswold_family

Even the Griswold family lost a member on the way to the second happiest place on earth, Walley World.

mcdunnoughs_family

The McDunnough family from Raising Arizona. This one is probably too obvious. We already have the dad. A crazy yet loveable family if there ever was one.

brady_bunch

Is there a more perfect family? Imagine if Mike and Carol hadn’t “pursued other passions”. We wouldn’t have had one of the happiest families ever assembled.

white_family

The Whites. I haven’t seen this show yet, but I’ve been told by some Zapponians that I have more than a little “Walter White” in me. He seems like a down to earth family man who will do whatever it takes to care for his family.

tanner_family

Ah, the Tanners. They came together to make one big happy family. They even let that annoying Kimmy Gibbler in their home. I’ve let more than a couple Kimmy Gibblers into the Zappos family. Another score for “the offer”.

The Addams Family

The Addams family, always creating fun and a little weirdness. I could use someone as bright as Uncle Fester in the Zappos family.

manson_family2

I’m not sure which famous family this is. A kind reader sent this one in. She said it reminded her of the Zappos family. Seems like a pretty cool group, led by a pretty cool guy. I’m digging it. I think we have a winner here.

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